Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Random Thoughts about this Miscarriage...

I've had writer's block for a few weeks now, and I figure it's time to get back on the horse!!!  I've been struggling mentally and spiritually with our miscarriage for a couple of weeks now.  I was scared to death when I got the last positive test, reasons being:  1)  It was so soon after my intestinal surgery.  2) It was going to be my 5th c-section.  3) I have a history for strange problems during and after pregnancy (such as HELLP syndrome, Bell's Palsy, infected uterus after surgery....).  The first couple of nights after realizing I was pregnant I laid in bed and prayed myself to sleep for comfort.  I finally got myself under control and realized Satan was using all of that to get to me!  My last two pregnacies and deliveries, except for the fact that Hannah had the Turner's, went very smoothly! 
  Then I felt this horrible guilt when I miscarried.  Thinking, there I went again, not trusting God!  I mean really, am I going to have faith or am I not?  And I know, that people would argue with me all day long, that it doesn't involve faith that it also involves common sense and he gives us the medical world today, so we should use it!  I strongly disagree!!!  I was perfectly healthy doing nothing wrong, so I thought, and look where I ended up in September and October, in the hospital for a week due to not being able to stop throwing up!  So to me, if something can happen to me while I'm "perfectly healthy" and God can take care of me, why can God not take care of me while I pregnant? 
  So this is where my struggle comes in to play.......It's been about 3 months since my miscarriage and it feels like an eternity lately.   There are exactly 2 years and 6 months between my living children, so in my OCD mind I felt like it was time to add another baby and this last pregnancy seemed to fit in the box for me.  Now, trying to make sense of the miscarriage and dealing with the loss, I find myself running into pregnant women everywhere.  While I am thankful that my body does have a little more time to heal from my last surgery, my heart still longs for another baby. 
  Derek cries alot for a brother and was so excited when we told him we were expecting again and so very upset when we lost the baby.  So my heart yearns for another little brother for him! 
  Please, don't get me wrong, I am very, very, very thankful and feel very blessed for my beautiful children here on earth with me.  But I feel very strongly that my calling here is to be a mother and a housewife, which in turn gives me the strong desire to have a full house! 
  In my prayer life, I've been trying to keep it very simple and let God lead my desires.  I have just prayed in his time.....and if that means never having another baby then giving me that contentment.  I am leaving it in his hands.  No pressure to us on "trying".  If it is his will then it will happen.  Because in the end, I know that in heaven, I will have 6 blessings to cuddle and love on!!!

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