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Tuesday, December 10, 2013

When you feel like a failure....

 You may have seen my post on facebook this morning...

 I try so hard to make sure all of my facebook posts are positive, uplifting, encouraging or informative.  Facebook is so full of negativity of the world, and I feel like it's one way I can shine my light.  So yes, sometimes, it may seem like our life here is just happy-go-lucky and all I do is read fantasy stories with my perfectly, well behaved, angelic, children while eating bon-bons.  (You knew I had to throw that in there, Angela ;) 

  So after this week (and yes, it's only Tuesday), I decided it might also be encouraging if I share the other side.  Just so we know we're not alone in this battle of spriritual warfare.  It's important to me, that I keep this blog and my life real.  I am a terrible, wretched sinner, who by the grace of God has been saved by my Lord Jesus.  But I still mess up, A LOT!!  And I praise the Lord, that He doesn't give up on me.  Oh my, where would we be, if He did??

  So it started yesterday.......
   We woke up to your typical Monday morning.  Everyone waking up and doing chores and preparing for the day.  Derek always wakes up before the girls and starts on his schoolwork while it's still quiet.  He has good and bad days, but most days he wakes up and does this with no problem.  Some days, he wants to play first and then gets very upset that I interrupt his play to start his schoolwork.  So, for the most part, we try to stick to the schedule of him doing schoolwork first, so we can save both of ourselves from headaches.
  Yesterday, he woke up in a great mood and was almost done with his school, when a math problem ( I mean Satan) decided to interrupt our day.  He and I both had a huge meltdown.  There was yelling and crying on both his and my ends. I felt like I was doing something wrong with him.

   I can't seem to figure out how to share my love of learning with him.  No matter what books I find, or math program I buy, he just tries to rush through as fast as he can.  I know, he's a boy and boys don't care for school, but I just keep thinking I am doing something wrong, if I can't make him enjoy his schoolwork.  Lindsay and I have such a good bonding time when it comes to her school, why can't I have that with him?  And he is so smart!!  He figures things out faster than I can explain them.  But, boy oh boy, when he gets stuck on something watch out!! 
 
  I cried alot, just wallowing in self pity.  I even locked myself in my room for awhile reading different Psalms, trying to embrace the fact, God is the Almighty, and he has a plan, and I am just this one tiny piece through 6,000 years of His puzzle so far.  I felt like one of the Israelites always complaining about everything, no matter their many blessings.  I prayed for a long time asking for God's guidance in raising this strong-willed child.  I really would not want it any other way, because I know God has amazing plans for him, however, I just am at a loss on how to direct his very strong will.  Not to mention, his father and I are both very strong willed, and we are all first borns, so it seems we are all just exactly alike and they say opposites attract, right? 

  Anyway, I ended up having a very long talk with him about having a good attitude, even when we don't like it.  That was like calling the kettle black, huh?? 
  It was a struggle the rest of the day to have good attitudes, because once I get upset, it's really hard for me to let it go.  Ronnie and Derek can just go out and get over it and then I get even more upset because I felt like they weren't that upset about the issue to begin with, totally petty, ain't it?  Talk about a sinner!!  Praise the Lord for grace!! 

  So, later in the afternoon, Ronnie got a wrecker call and I decided it would be a good opportunity to get us all out of the house and some fresh air.  We towed the vehicle, stopped at Goodwill, grabbed a bite to eat, and recieved another wrecker run.  We started out to winch the customer out of the ditch and what....of course, the clutch goes out of the wrecker!!!  We have to call the customer and help them find another wrecker.  And try to make it home without getting stranded ourselves.  Now, Ronnie's in a bad mood and stressing about how much it's going to cost and being down during the our busiest time of the year.  I'm trying to stay calm and lift him up and Satan gets ahold of the both of us and so by the time we made it to bed, we're both upset.  We're laying in bed, discussing how much it's going to cost  to fix it and how we only have 2 weeks left until Christmas to finish buying everyone's presents.  (And we keep it simple!  We just have big families.)  We're still waiting to get paid from 3 or 4 jobs, an insurance check, ect.  And that we need to be patient with them, because we have been in that boat before ourselves!  We both agree, we know that God will take care of us.  So what if everyone doesn't get something from us, it won't be the first, and it won't be the last, I'm sure.  And then I get even more upset, because that's not what it's even about!!  I lay there thinking about how worse off so many more people are than us.  And here we are having panic attacks over a stupid clutch.  Sure, it's our livlihood and yes, it's very important, but in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing! 
  Why do we do this?  Why do we make ourselves sick with worry?  God has promised again and again to take care of us.  And that may not even mean how we want him to take care of us.  We may loose our vehicles, and even our house (heaven forbid), but the one thing that is certain, is His promises to take care of us. 
  I'm so encouraged by the story of Corrie Ten Boom.  If you don't know about her, google it.  She was able to survive and hold on to God's promises even through Concentration Camps!!  Now, that is strength, and not her own, but God Almighty's!!!

  And who knows, maybe God is actually letting some of things happen, so we will cling to him even tighter during this Christmas season.  You know, since it really is about Him anyway ;) 

  From Lindsay's History lesson this morning about the Pilgrims, who were way worse off than you or I. 
From Stories of the Pilgrims by Margaret B Pumphrey:  "The men gathered brushwood and, in the shelter of a great rock, built a roaring fire and camped for the night.  Before they slept the Pilgrims knelt upon the ground and gave thanks to God for guiding them through the storm and dakrness.  Then they repeated a beautiful old song from the Bible beginning; 'O give thanks unto the Lord, for He is good, for His mercy endureth for ever.'"

  I want to live like that!  No matter what comes my way, I want to be able to cling to my Savior like that.  I am so thankful, He is still working on me!!  I just pray that God will give me the wisdom to pass on to my children of how important His Word is for their daily lives and leaning on His everlasting arms. 

  I pray you hold on to what is really important this Chrstimas Season.  I pray you teach your children some wonderful Advent lessons.  I pray that God blesses your families.  And you can hold on tight to fact that this is not our home, we're just passing through. 

Have a Blessed Day,
Amanda

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