If you saw my post on facebook earlier while in Wal-Mart, you already know my mind was racing a million miles a minute.....
Today, Ronnie and Derek, and his friend Cassius had a Contenders meeting, so the girls and I went to town to run errands and get groceries. It's always nice when we get to go do things, just us girls, and we get to have a morning or afternoon to bond. However, today the girls were talking and I was just content to listen to them gab away. They wanted to look at jewelry, hair things, socks, shoes, and clothes. As we're walking through all the clearance items to find a good buy, we made our way over to the "baby/toddler" area. And then it hit me! After 8 years of coming to this section of the store, I have no reason to be here. We officially potty trained Leah two weeks ago, and she's been wearing panties all day and night, so I didn't need any diapers or wipes. She barely uses sippy cups anymore, so no need for that. She wears all of Lindsay's old clothes, so I didn't need to look at clothes from that section.
While my heart is yearning for another baby, we began to work our way through the food. The girls are very good at grocery shopping and could probably do it all by themselves (you know ,if it wasn't illegal to send a 6 and 3 year old into a store by themselves;). So they were going through the list of needed items and putting them in the cart. When we arrived at the deli, there stood a lady, probably in her 50's, waiting for her meat and cheese. She looked very nice, nails and hair done, and was content just to stand there and wait. She had a cute new shirt in her cart and a puzzle, a couple of individual dinners, a few individual diet drinks. And as I'm standing there holding Leah, (because she's freezing in the freezer section as she calls it) my mind yet races in another direction. Now, I'm totally imagining what this lady's life is like, but I'm assuming she lives by herself from the looks of the items her in cart and I started to think about once all my children are grown, what my life will be like.
My dreams would be that Ronnie and I would grow old together and that we will have LOTS of grandchildren running around the house, while our children are out on date nights and needing to Christmas shop and such. However, we never know what the good Lord has in store for us.
And then I got to thinking, why does the average American only have 1 or 2 kids? Sure, there are days, my heart yearns (and yearns badly) for a few moments of silence. But there are also days when all of my children are out with friends or riding to the dump with Daddy or with Grandma and Papaw and I really just don't know what to do with myself. And I hear so many parents talk about empty nests and how horrible it is, but how they adjust. Why is it so wrong for these big families to not have to go through that? Why is it that more parents don't look at their children as a blessing? Why have we, as a nation, become so dependent on birth control instead of prayer? Why can we trust God to take care of us with our finances and our daily lives, but not our wombs?
And then I got to thinking of how Ronnie and I, 3 years ago, decided to let God lead our hearts in child birth and not by our own decision. And how he worried that we would end up with 15 kids and how I struggled to figure out how I could have 6 or 7 more c-sections. And then I began to realize that my baby is now 3!!! And perhaps, just perhaps, God has closed my womb and how horrible that might be. I started thinking about Hannah and Rachel, who longed for babies and how God "blessed" them when he heard their cries. And then I started praying that, if God does choose to close my womb, then "please, Lord, help my heart to be content".
As the girls and I made our way home and I started unloading the groceries, they ran off to the garden, to see what today's harvest might be. And I started thinking of all these precious sights I must savor, just in case I never have another baby.....
- pigtails in the tomato plants
- bare feet running through the freshly cut grass
- little squeals of joy when the mama cat has a new litter of kittens
- little girls hanging their doll clothes on the line to "dry"
- my little boy learning to mow the yard for the first time
- the face of delight when the "baby" understands A says "aahh"
- the little boy hitting his first "basket"
- the finished product of a meal made by all 3 of the children
- seeing my little boy swim for the first time and seeing the pride in his face
- hearing him recite a long passage of scripture in church
and the list goes on and on.....I just don't want to ever forget the feeling of "littles" !
Have a Blessed Day :)