Friday, September 9, 2011

3 years.....

    Some days it feels like just yesterday and other days, I can't even picture her face with out looking at a photograph.  3 years agao, today, I sang my baby girl, Hannah Elizabeth, to sleep for the last time. 

     I have a hard time putting into words how I feel about her sometimes.  Because, just like all my children, I want to express my love and show how proud I am of all of them, but with her, of course, it's different.  I shared in a testimony at church the other night, I always dread the question of, how many children do you have?   My heart is shouting 4, but then most times I just quietly say 3, to avoid the whole conversation.   I struggle with this almost daily.  I want everyone to know, that YES, I have a 4th child, that NO, you do not see her standing here with my other children.  And YES, she is in heaven, but it's OK!!!!  I hate the look that I get from most people when I tell them that we lost a child.  It's like they instantly feel bad for asking the question.  And that's is the opposite of what I want when I answer. 

   I'm very proud of my 3rd daughter.  She was a fighter, better than most!!!  In her young 3 1/2 months, had to endure 4 surgeries, and came through with flying colors!!!  She was amazing!!!  And my heart is filled with joy that 1 of my 4 children is already and heaven, which means I only have 3 more to go!!!!   Ensuring one's eternity, is alot of pressure on a mother.  I drill my children daily of God's wonderous love, hoping and praying that they too will choose this christian walk, even though it will be harder.  There are no words that are strong enough to describe the heartache, I as a mother, or Ronnie and I, as parents went though this week, 3 years ago.  But knowing, that she is eternally a child of the King, how could it have ended any better than that?!?!?! 
     For, mothers out there, that have had to or are having to bury a baby, I want first to stand up and say to you, if you can't stand by and bury your child, don't feel guilty. 

  God, created us as women with compassionate souls.  I arranged for there to be no grave site services after the funeral, because I could not watch them place my tiny child into the ground.  My husband, loving and understanding, took on the the weight of the world and did this job for me.  It was the hardest decision I had to make throughout the entire process.  But it was one that God has definately given me peace about knowing, that it was something I could not endure and he had given me a wonderful, amazing husband to protect me from that.  Also, if there are other things that will and did make the process of mourning easier for you as a mother, don't ever feel silly about that either.  I had Hannah wrapped in a warm, pink, fleece blanket before they buried her, because my motherly instincts did not want her to be cold.  Yes, I knew at the time it was silly and still to this day, know that the idea is silly, but it was something I had to do!  And I don't once regret things like that.  Because at the time of my heavy grieving, it helped me sleep at night.  And God knew that I needed that comfort. 
  Through it all and now on the other side and once again blessed with another baby, Leah, I can proudly stand up and say, that our God, is an AMAZING God, who is has never once left my side and has showered us with blessing upon blessing!!!!

Psalm 23

A Psalm of David.

1 The LORD is my shepherd;

I shall not want.

2 He makes me to lie down in green pastures;

He leads me beside the still waters.

3 He restores my soul;

He leads me in the paths of righteousness

For His name’s sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil;

For You are with me;

Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

5 You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup runs over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me

All the days of my life;

And I will dwell[a] in the house of the LORD



  1. You know how I answer the how many children question sometimes? I have three living children. When that is my response in an upbeat tone, people understand that there has been a loss but usually doesn't provoke the akward "I'm sorry, didn't know" reply. Of course it depends on who is asking too....someone just making chit chat that I'll never see again gets a simple three, but others get the above answer that way it leaves the door open for conversation later. It was 10 years for us last week, sometimes it seems like it never happened. Other times like yesterday. ((hugs)) Tara

  2. You are such a strong woman Amanda, to be so tiny :) Just want you to know that I love you and I'll be lifting you, Ronnie & the kids up in prayer today. Knowing that Hannah is with Jesus, if she can't be with you - it's more than wonderful - but I know you will stil have heartache. Sending prayer.

  3. Amanda, you are amazing. I can't believe it has been 3 years. I am so thankful that God has given you such a wonderful perspective and peace. I will be praying for God to hold you and your family extra close today. Let me know if you need anything. -Sara (Benefiel) James